From the life that I have led so far, there have been countless experiences that I have gone through. I would normally categorize them as good and bad. But regardless of that, I learned something from all of them. It took some time, and I would have problems too. But in the end, they play important roles when it comes to developing that satisfaction of being myself.
On Writing
Writing has played many vital roles in my life. One being getting it in order. Over the years, being an introvert, I did little to no talking, but I did do a lot of thinking. My mind was bombarded with thoughts. I had a lot to ponder on or think about. But I never knew what to do with those thoughts. It resulted in a problem called maladaptive daydreaming, where a person remains engrossed in thinking about things or scenarios that are unlikely to happen in real life. Only after I jotted them down did I find freedom and progress. From boredom, doubt, confusion, the loud voices of my mind, etc. From writing them down, I managed to reshape them into poems, stories, and topics of discussion.
To write down what lies in your head is to acknowledge that your thoughts are real, and to know that they have been finally put where you can do something with them puts you at ease. The more you write, the more your mind is emptied of such meaningless clutter. You can make something out of it when you express it on paper. And who knows, perhaps it may help someone else as well.
Writing gives me clarity as I write what I have felt. It fills me with knowledge as I write of what I have learned. It brings back memories of what I have seen. It makes me blissful as I write of what I have done. It fills me with happiness as I write of all whom I have loved.
Trip to Barabar
01/02/2025
I woke up at 5 AM, ready for the big day, drank two glasses of lukewarm water, and exercised for half an hour. After my stomach cleared, I got ready by 7:30. By 8:00, I joined Aman & Anukul on the ground, later joined by Pranta. We took a cab to the girl’s hostel with Anjali, Achanya, Jigyasa, and Bhawna. Muskan and Aayushi joined us outside at the gate. There we took an auto to Panchanpur, and the group had a hearty breakfast as I just shared a bit of Kachori with Anukul, following which we finally left.
The auto ride was fine because Anukul & I were on the front seat, hanging on while the ladies were in the back, stuffed together playing music. I enjoyed it for a while before losing interest, waiting for us to finally reach the place so that we could get on with everything. Arriving at our destination, we went for the mountain hike first. I had practice, having done this the previous month at Virupaksha Caves in Tiruvannamalai. There were stairs, which were well-made. Anukul and I walked together, with the others in tow. We climbed, clicked pics, and moved on. We visited the Hanuman Temple. I bought a small Shivaling for 50 rs. The climb down was much easier. Then, at the questionably clean place we had chosen, we took 3-4 hours to cook the food. Chicken and Rice. Anukul and I were the last of the people who ate.
Then by 5 pm, we left for campus. I had a potential side quest of getting a birthday cake for Shria’s friend from Panditjis. But it was out of the question. I was tired, and there was no way I could do it. We reached Panchanpur at 7 and finally, the campus in 15 mins. I decided to skip dinner & slept. It was honestly a fine trip. The first half was better, after which I got sick of everything. Either I’m not living well, or I’m done living. It seems well enough for now. It was a good use of a Saturday.
My Mother
She had a mother of her own, whom she loved. When she lost her, I couldn’t bear to see her cry. It broke my heart; my soul burned for what was hers that was lost was also mine. I vowed to never let her cry because of me. I failed many times, but she supported me nevertheless. She defended me; she put her faith in me no matter how many times I broke it. All because of my own weakness. But her strength gave me inspiration. Her love was the greatest. I vow to make her proud. For my happiness is hers, and hers is mine. And we both will have it. She had a mother of her own, whom she loved. When she lost her, I couldn’t bear to see her cry. It broke my heart; my soul burned for what was hers that was lost was also mine. I vowed to never let her cry because of me. I failed many times, but she supported me nevertheless. She defended me; she put her faith in me no matter how many times I broke it. All because of my own weakness.
But her strength gave me inspiration. Through her actions, her struggles, and her pain, I saw life itself. The sum of all existence seemed to have been understood well by me, all thanks to her. Action, faith, devotion, and love. She was all of it. She performed her actions with peace and calm. Her strength could not be challenged. But after all the ordeals and the problems, she emerged victorious. I clearly had a great role model in her and in Papa as well. I vowed to make them both proud. Especially Maa. For my happiness is hers, and hers is mine. Love you, Maa. My greatest hero.
Death -A Question
I often ponder on death. What it feels like to die and what happens afterwards. How many of us do that? Really think on it? What would it be like? Any aspiration that you might be having remaining unfulfilled. Many see misery in death. Can’t say I myself don’t. Many try to understand it. There has been much discussion already regarding this topic. The life of the Enlightened One revolved around questions regarding death as well. I felt the urge to know about this when I was walking alone at night. My mind was occupied by a ton of work, so I decided to stop and start walking, which is something I do quite often. While doing so, I imagined that I was walking, then I suddenly slipped and died somehow.
Then, everything went black. I was floating in space, with no stars anywhere. Just me and the darkness. Felt like I existed for one moment and then, I didn’t. Nothing came to me that time. No heaven or hell. Just an infinite black space. I know there are ideas and thoughts about what happens after death. But none of them mattered to me. Just me and emptiness. That’s what I felt. Then, it was over and I was back on my phone. Whatever transpired, I wouldn’t even call that an experience. It was more of an idea. Something I was imagining.
But the very power of that imagination was something both frightening and exciting as well. There are times when strange things happen to us that don’t seem that dramatic. But, that sensation of being in an empty space was almost comforting. To the point where it seemed I was even glad that I died. It is a strange feeling, one I have never really understood even today. Why is it feared? What is it? Where does it lead to? It is said that it is as natural as life itself. Every beginning has an end. So, why be afraid of it? I suppose these are all questions that are answered gradually. Perhaps, it won’t even matter at some point. All I could do back then was just think on it for a while. The mind has questions about everything and death was no different.
College Life
‘College life.’ Think about it. Listen to the word. What comes to your mind? Freedom? Socializing? Well, that’s all I can think of. I’m sure others can think of more things.
I used to live carefree and aimlessly. I would say that there was no trace of any aim to be found in my mind. The ones that did exist did so with a twist. They had nothing to do with what I felt deep inside my heart. There was no end to the classic confusions and conflicts that came in my mind such as career, future, respect etc, and they drove me insane at times. I was scared out of my wits when I came to Amity University, Noida. Leaving my hometown of Patna and going there, replacing my good food and AC room for a shared non-AC room with guys who aren’t even of my course, let alone my personality, was hard. It took me a while to accept where I was. Loneliness didn’t help with that. But yeah, I was in college. That’s what mattered. It’s supposed to be a very chill place. And my parents used to warn me that there might be smoking and drinking and ragging and degradation, and I should be careful. So I got ready for Hell itself, but it turned out I was wrong. Because nothing that bad was happening here. After all, who has time to chill and misbehave when all are trying to keep their attendance clear in classes going from 9 to 4? Sure, people find ways, but even my parents and grandparents were shocked by this. Because they actually had it easy during their college days. They got time to go home early, play, study, etc. So, well, all that time in classes made me reflect on my decisions.
A little background info—Being a Humanities student, I’ve turned my back on medicine, engineering, and law, the three professions that generations of families have either followed devotedly or praised as hell. So, I was either being very bold or very dumb. I remember my 11th and 12th years when I had chosen Humanities. I was one of 5 boys in a class filled with girls. So, yeah, instant social attack on me regarding both my intelligence and Manhood. But the science guys there were callous and arrogant jerks, and I genuinely couldn’t study subject because of them and because I didn’t want to either (though biology was always interesting ). So, after much struggle, I managed to get Arts and was better off. I learn basic science anytime I get the chance. Remember that the world hasn’t become this complex because of everyone choosing the same 6-7 professions that most people know. Everything has value. We need to find it. Do your own research. If you’re good at something, be great at it. Also, don’t do it for free. (RIP Heath Ledger)
Now, at Amity, I could say that I have actually started to live now. Everywhere I was before coming here was a protective bubble. A comfort zone. Now, even though I was in a hostel, I was more active than ever. Coming from a well-to-do family, we had many privileges that I got tired of. It was about time that I became self-reliant. Although, it is tough living a hostel life. You are restricted to everything outside. An outpass is the price of going out in the world and coming back by 7-8 pm. I’ve been there for almost two years straight. Now, the basic food always tasted and felt basic. But I could, however, leave for class comfortably. So, that’s a plus point. A hostel is something people should experience once. But, nothing beats living on your own terms. Sure, things are more hectic, but that’s what you need. Challenges and action. Heroes haven’t become heroes by staying at home. They went on journeys and fought wars. That’s what anyone should do. Metaphorically on the ‘war’ part. Studies are a major pain in the neck. Classes and then self study as well. But for me, it was about making it interesting and that worked.
When I started attending classes, I made friends. Many friends. Guys, girls, juniors, seniors, everyone. My best friend, Aditya, is also interested in writing. When I met him, he was reading a book about gangsters, which I found interesting for some reason. So, I found ‘my people’ here. People I could talk to or relate with. People who understand me. I have made many great friends. No girlfriend though. But that is a topic worth of a quite longer discussion. “To each his/her own” is what I believe in this circumstance. I hang out with everyone. I’ve hung out with many girls. My classmates are juniors, seniors, and from other departments as well. And it’s great. You meet someone new and learn something as well. Otherwise, there’s a lot of drama among people, which affects the group dynamic. I can’t hang with two people because they have issues with three others. Stuff like that. Really annoying, but people have their own things going on, so I leave it at that. Make friends, but don’t run after people. Ever. I used to find college life weird. Because of Bollywood mainly. It is not as simple as it seemed when we were kids. We have to make it simpler for ourselves. That’s it. Don’t expect college to be like the film ‘Student of the Year’ showed cause that’s what I did, but know that anyone can make it great for themselves if they want.
Radha Madhav
I have seen the pictures and the idols. It has always been such a lovely sight to watching the divine couple on a swing, surrounded by nature and animals. We have the Darling of Vrindavan, the apple of Maa Yashoda and Nanda Baba’s eyes, who adores the divine and innocent and ends the demonic and tyrannical. And by his side is his dearest. The one whom the Supreme adores. Radha Rani. The loving and merciful, always by his side. She who opened her very eyes to see him first. These two beings of love and devotion sitting together are a sight that may bring to tears anyone who sets their eyes on them. Their very aura is of peace, bliss, and sweetness. And while I have always had my doubts and lacked interest at times, I must admit that there was always some form of connection I felt towards this couple.
Because Radha and Madhav are more than just lovers; they are the very embodiment of true love, representing the highest form of love. Their destinies were entwined together even though their paths were separate. Because even when they couldn’t be together, they were never apart. Their love was not broken by the separation they were put through. Instead, it remained true to the end. Because of this, they are considered blessed and supreme. Because no matter where Shri Krishna was, his beloved Radhaji was always with him, as he told her himself. They are both the same: Krishna is Radha, and Radha is Krishna. That was the ultimate truth that Krishna knew well. That his beloved Radha is always with him.
It is an interesting image that always stays with me. Not because of the romantic angle, but because I use it as an example for a different lesson. A lesson on human connections. ‘Detachment’ is a scary word but, for me, it doesn’t always mean giving something up or even being forced to. It also means that one should be in a state of mind where, wherever what you hold dear is not present, you are still able to go on with your life without despair. In life, there have been many situations where I couldn’t stop lamenting over something that was gone. Either a loved one who passed away or with whom I lost contact and never saw again. Stuff that tormented me often. So, the very idea of Radha Madhav for me was of letting go. Sure, it is never going to be easy but it won’t hurt to be ready for it.
